Partners in toxic relationships tend to relate to one another as extensions of the other or themselves, in other words, as preconceived projections. As a result, their exchanges, in particular, the daily acts of giving and receiving that are essential to nourish a relationship, are often misplaced, shallow or emotionally detached, and in moments of stress or crisis, mere desperate attempts for self-protection rooted in fear."
'via Blog this'Toxic Couple Relationships – Protective Neural Patterns & Scripted Roles (1 of 3) | Neuroscience and Relationships: Though the individual patterns of each couple are as unique as the individual partners themselves, nevertheless, most toxic collusion patterns between partners tend to fall into one or more of the following toxic role scripts:
1. Pursuer Versus Avoider Role Script – Expressed VS Internalized Anger
In this script, one person openly seeks the other’s cooperation to their demands, more often, specific actions their protective neural patterns insist ‘must’ occur for them to feel safe and loved in relation to the other. In contrast, the other person, in accordance with the requirements of their own pre-conditioned circuitry, seemingly agrees to go along, and in some cases, does so to the extent that they compromise their own value system to please the other. In due time, however, when the latter notices their efforts are taken for granted rather than appreciated, they increasingly resist their partner’s demands, however, they mostly resort to using methods of expressing their internalized anger in mostly hidden, indirect ways.
For example, Partner A regards certain activities as all-important and increasingly ‘urgent,’ such as discussing an issue or doing some activity together, i.e., having more frequent sex or spending more time together, and zealously seeks to engage Partner B’s participation. Meanwhile, Partner B, who seemed willing to go along with Partner A’s plan at the start of their relationship, increasingly, performs a juggling act in which they, on the one hand, start to vehemently resist complying with Partner A’s demands while also, on the other hand – with equal or greater intensity – to avoid upsetting or angering Partner A in any way.
Whereas Partner A has no problem expressing their anger, regards it as one of their strengths, or admits to having problems with anger, Partner B typically internalizes anger, and seeks to hide or deny feeling this emotion, from themselves as well from others; when they occasionally explode with anger, they consider it rare or more evidence of ‘frustration’ rather than anger.
2. Blamer Versus Blamee Role Script - Expressed VS Internalized Disappointment
In this patterned interaction, one person openly blames the other for their own unhappiness, angry outbursts or other ways they act out, and frequently complains of the other’s seeming lack of respect or appreciation, and so on. The other person inwardly blames themselves, and lives in dread of disappointing their partner. The latter wallows in feelings of guilt and disappointment, on the one hand, at themselves for failing to make their partner feel secure enough to stop them from getting upset, and on the other hand, increasingly, they feel disappointed with their partner’s unwillingness to accept them for who they are or to recognize the intense efforts they make to meet their demands.
For example, Partner A deals with stress by compulsively reminding Partner A what they need to do to stop upsetting or angering them, noting what upsets them, listing the ways their demands or expectations have not been met. In general, Partner A blames a lot of their problems, unhappiness or angry outbursts on Partner B, and may dramatically display their disappointment whenever specified demands or expectations are not met. In the meantime, Partner B accepts blame, holds themselves responsible for causing upsets, and deals with any stress by apologizing, appeasing, and promising to do whatever it takes to change what bothers Partner A in the future.
For the most part, no one dares to hold Partner A responsible for how they treat others, and to learn to regulate their own emotions, and, as a result, Partner A has little or no understanding of their role in exacerbating emotional turmoil with themselves, their partner and the couple relationship. Meanwhile, everyone expects Partner B to take care of things to keep the peace, and Partner B holds themselves completely responsible for the emotional ups and downs of their partner, and others in the family, i.e., children; in fact, Partner B may even feel proud of their ability to put-out-fires, to act as a mediator of sorts in smoothing out issues, even ones between Partner A and other family members.
3. Doing Versus Feeling Role Script - Expressed VS Internalized Depreciation
In this scenario, one person is connected to what they want or don’t want, and what to do to get fast results, is the doer and problem solver, who likes to get things done, to make decisions, and, comparing themselves to their partner, often complains about the other’s relativeindifference, inability or lack of initiative in getting things done. The other partner seeks to fix or control the feeling states of the former, more specifically, to stop them from ever getting upset or angry.
For example, Partner A wants Partner B to take action, to complete ‘to do’ lists and produce specific results, thus, continuously evaluates Partner B’s performance against certain standards, and, mistrusting Partner B’s ability to make even minor decisions, is often certain Partner B will let them down. Meanwhile, Partner B has been anxiously hoping that, by working hard to make Partner A happy, at some point, Partner A will stop withholding caring feelings of acceptance, love or admiration, etc., express their appreciation.
As Partner A’s ability to express these emotions is often limited, increasingly Partner B doubts their ability to fix Partner A’s feelingstoward them, begins to lose hope about fixing the relationship, and increasingly does not see a reason to work so hard, considering Partner A does not appreciate their efforts. Similarly, Partner A increasingly feels frustrated by Partner B’s resistance to ‘listen’ to them, and Partner A interprets not listening as expressions of lack of respect or appreciation. Partner A may also feel inadequate in their ability to control or persuade Partner B to give them what they need. Partner B feels emotionally flooded or shut down at the first sign of a negative evaluation, disapproval or anger, feeling increasingly worried about the future of their relationship, family, etc., if they fail to meet with Partner A’s expectations.
Partner A is also increasingly frustrated that Partner B will not state their wants or take initiative in making plans to get things done; in contrast, Partner B professes not to have wants, and views this as a way they seek to feel “valued” in the relationship, by focusing on their partner’s wants rather than their own.
4. Responsible Versus Negligent Role Script - Expressed VS Internalized Disregard
In this script, one person in the relationship takes on the role of the other person’s judge and jury, and makes open accusations, demands, tells the other what to do, how to dress, what to think, etc. Feeling dependent on their partner’s approval, Partner B, at least outwardly, seeks to please, to appease or to prevent conflict – and to dismiss anything that would indicate things are not going well in their relationship or family.
For example, Partner A intensely feels they are the ‘responsible’ one, duty bound to act in accordance with high standards to fulfill duties in the area of family, children or work, etc., and may regard Partner B as less capable, perhaps with varying degrees of disregard, i.e., feeling annoyed or mistrusting them to handle certain situations, such as handling finances or children. Partner A feels it’s their responsibility to hold Partner B’s feet to the fire, and does so with regular doses of scolding, accusations, and evidence of failed performance, etc.
What Partner B fears most is disappointing or failing to meet Partner A’s expectations, yet the more they attempt to meet with their partner’s expectations, the more inadequate they feel. At some point, Partner B may resist to the point of being unwilling to take any action, rather than risk failure.
Whereas Partner A outwardly disregards the value of Partner A, Partner B increasingly expresses their resentment or disregard of their partner’s feelings, with resistance. On the one hand, Partner B wants nothing more than to win over Partner A’s admiration; on the other hand, Partner B increasingly looks down at Partner A for the way they so casually dismiss or mistreat Partner A as well as others, i.e., the children.
5. Moral Versus Immoral Role Script - Expressed VS Internalized Contempt
In a script similar to #4 above, one person takes on the role of acting superior to the other – in this case, morally superior – and the other as morally unprincipled. The former sees themselves as righteous, and in position to judge the other with displays of righteous indignation, contempt or intimidation, accordingly – believed to be necessary to improve or benefit of the other. In contrast, the other outwardly accepts that they are morally inferior in comparison, and, resisting most attempts to conform to the moral standards of the other, apart from occasional attempts to appease them, they inwardly relish resisting what they view as unnecessarily confining moral codes.
For example, Partner A adheres to high moral standards, traditional values or ethical codes at home or church, etc., and is obsessed with getting Partner B to comply with these rules of conduct, i.e., going to church, dressing more appropriately, etc. Partner A feels it’s their responsibility to convert Partner B, to save them from themselves.
Meanwhile Partner B seems to accept Partner A’s “admonishments” as their lot, however, makes little or no attempt to change, although they may go along outwardly, i.e., attending church at the request of Partner A. Inside, Partner A feels morally superior to Partner B, while Partner B, feigning humility, is torn between feeling morally defective, and paying penitence by acting undeserving, subservient, etc., on the one hand, and consciously or subconsciously, delighting in rebelling against Partner A’s demands to change who they are as persons, on the other. Increasingly, Partner B may act out their contempt for what they see as Partner A’s harsh, self-righteous stance them, in hidden ways, expressing their contempt, using resistance to let Partner A know what they think of not only the moral standards, but also Partner A’s attempts to change them.
